Waiting

I am so sick of waiting for everything. I want so much to feel settled, to know that the earth isn't going to drop out from under my feet, especially in this economy. Right now we're waiting for Keaton's job to be made permanent after four years of being temporary. The base with its corrupt politics is nearly impossible to crack. His bosses keep promising, but they've been promising from the get-go. He feels like he can't bug them about it too much, but I'm always afraid they're going to come to him one day and just let him go. It has happened before, though we were lucky to get him back on afterward. I keep telling myself it will be okay, but what happens if he does get dropped? Would it fall to me to work full time? Could I make enough money for our family on my own? Would we have to sell our house? Our cars? Our...everything? I'm not usually much of a worrier but in this economy, it wouldn't be surprising to end up as one of the statistics that are spouted on the news every day.

And that's not the only thing we're waiting for. I applied for a position as a graphic designer and had a great interview, but their revenue isn't where they'd like it to be to hire someone else, so they're waiting it out a bit to see if they get more business before they have me back. I've been waiting since September for final word on my book, the last they told me was "we want to hold off a few months before we make a decision." And every day that goes by I'm waiting for phone calls from new clients for wedding photography. Except every day the market gets more and more saturated as people just like me decide that they want to give it a try...I can't blame them, that's exactly where i was two-three years ago when I first started out...but it is frustrating. I'm in this in-between place--not well-off enough to afford the expensive but highly effective advertising (utahweddings, utahbrides, etc) but not amateur enough to offer those dirt cheap prices that someone without the experience has to offer to build a portfolio. Sigh. Still hoping that as spring approaches there will be an upswing in the demand for wedding photography. But if I miss riding that wave, I could be without much work the entire summer.

So I keep waiting.