Self-Portrait

The other day I was fiddling around with my camera while the baby was napping, trying to find some cool new settings to try out with the family portrait sessions I have coming up. In need of something to focus on, I decided to put the camera on timer and jumped in front of the lens myself. But when I got a good look at the pictures, I felt shock. Photographically, they weren't that bad, but who was that person in the picture?
That
Was
Not
Me.
I know that I don't look like the 115 lbs I weighed in high school...and having a baby recently certainly didn't help, but it wasn't just that. I look tired, pallid, overweight, with unkempt hair and bloodshot eyes. Funny that I hadn't noticed when I looked in the mirror, but in a picture...well, they do say 1000 words.

I found myself faced with a sudden identity crisis. It wasn't just that I didn't look like myself, I haven't felt like myself lately either. When your days become a marathon of feeding, changing, bathing, and soothing its hard to remember who you are beyond just the role you play. I mean, I'm a mom. But is that all? Is that moniker my entire self now?

Since that day I've been thinking a lot about it. I don't want to make being a mom seem one-dimensional or bad, but right now it calls mostly for operation, not introspection. I like to think of myself as a vibrant woman, sometimes silly, sometimes serious. I love smart humor, wit. I value deep, intellectual conversation. I am an artist; I love to create beautiful things, both visually and with words. I love people, I love character. I love long dialogues about love, life, everything... but does that matter when the only person around for most of the day to witness any of these characteristics in me is a 12 lb, 5 week old baby boy?

The answer: absolutely.

See, its easy to get lost in the day-in, day-out routine. But I am daily drawing on those traits that make me special to learn how to do more things, to become even better. I've found in the last few weeks that I am stronger than I ever realized, that I know how to be completely unselfish, to honestly and forthrightly put myself second...I never really knew I could before, because I never really had to before. And I'm not just smart, I'm capable. Sure, I wasn't prepared for everything that this whole "having a baby" thing entails, but I'm doing a good job. I really am. I was given these strengths and talents for a reason. I trust that as my baby grows, a vibrant/silly/serious/witty/artistic/people person is exactly the motherly concoction he'll need to start developing his own special personality sauce. And man. Who needs to publish a book or take a winning picture when you can create something as beautiful and miraculous as another human being?

I decided to try again at the self-portrait thing today. This time, I was much better rested and the light was better and heck, I've even lost a few pounds (which makes me feel great, even if you can't see it in the picture). I didn't even have to use photo shop on anything except to enhance the contrast.
And I remember.
I am beautiful.