A Brand New Year

Make yours a happy one.

Break's Over

Went back to work today. Work isn't bad. Not having unlimited access to my baby: not very fun. But we're doing it! We survived today, (I made it through work, Keaton made it through the day w/ Jamison alone, and Jamison...well he just made it through the day!) so chances are the next time might get a little easier.

Might.

But for now, here is a random smattering of pictures from our holiday!

A Daddy's Lullaby

Merry Christmas Eve, everybody!

The other night I had just put Jamison down and Keaton and I were getting ready for bed when he started up crying again. Keaton just said "I'll get it," and I thankfully let him go in to soothe him. I am always telling him about my ritualistic methods of soothing, which includes singing to him softly until his eyes get heavy. I was pleased to hear Keaton singing to our baby, thinking that of course he listened my very wise advice. But this is the song he was singing softly to our child:

Keaton's Lullaby
(To the tune of Brahms Lullaby)

Go to sleep
Go to sleep
Go to sleep, little baby
Mommy's tired and
Daddy's tired
and your screaming
keeps us awake.

Loved it.

A Rock in the River

I am like a rock in the middle of a swift moving river.

I don't particularly enjoy change. I get comfortable in one place. Things around me can be in constant transition, but I don't usually mind. I'm settled.

But today I made a difficult decision. I'm leaving the branch I've worked at for the last three and a half years and moving to the Roy branch. I don't love this job and always told myself that if I was going to make the effort to move, I would make it worth my while and change companies, maybe do something I really enjoy. Or, I'd just quit completely and rely solely on my photography and writing as my means of income. But instead of focusing on my possible paths to career success I chose to have a baby.

That decision made it inevitable that I would stay at Wells Fargo. Keaton's job doesn't currently come with benefits, and I can maintain our health insurance at Wells Fargo by working only 18 hours. I knew that if I had a baby, I would not want to work full time. And if I went anywhere else, no matter if in a more favored field or with a more desirable salary, it was unlikely that I would find the words "part-time" and "benefits" in the same sentence together.

When I got pregnant, however, I was happy with my job and didn't mind the prospect of sticking around for a while. Both my service manager and store manager were easygoing and fun. I felt like a valued member of a team. In April, however, when I was about three or four months pregnant, the store manager got moved to a different branch and the service manager went to work for another bank. Not a huge problem, things had changed like that before. The river is constantly moving...I just watch it go by.

Even when I hit some troubled waters, even when my new managers and I didn't "click" I still kept on, just biding my time until my maternity leave, when I could get a break. It was okay...I'd told both my new managers in June that I planned to go part-time when my baby was born. Even though we didn't see eye to eye on a lot of things, I didn't think twice about it. They tweak schedules all the time, why should I be any different?

Right before Jamison was born I was regretfully informed that I would be needed for 25 hours when I returned from maternity. Apparently six months is not enough time to shave more than five hours off of a person's schedule. At that time I should have stuck in my heels and insist I get 18, but I didn't. I just wanted to have my baby, not argue about what it might be like when I came back. It seemed worlds away, so I decided to wait before I made a huge fuss about it. A lot can change in three months, right? I figured by then they would be able to work it out for me.

Then I had my baby, and my complacency turned to urgency. It wasn't just about 18 hours of work a week vs 25 hours, it was a question of how on earth I would ever be able to leave my baby for any amount of time at all. (Carolanne was the recipient of many a tearful phone call, when I still had months to go before I had to worry about it.) Moms are supposed to stay home with their babies, right? That is the natural order.

But when I'm being realistic, it isn't in the cards. We need health insurance. We need that little bit of extra money. I'm going back to work for my family, not in spite of them. I had to come to terms with that fact.

But as I've been preparing to return to work, it became very apparent that there is no negotiating the 25 hours. I was told in no uncertain terms that if I wanted less than that I would have to go somewhere else. They would rather start over with someone else than work me one less shift. I know, I don't get it either. So I sucked in a breath and didn't argue. There seemed to be no other choice.

Then a position opened up at the Roy branch for 18 hours. I applied for it, first thinking that for sure they would have to give in now. They wouldn't really want to lose me. But all I got in response to my disclosing that I had applied elsewhere was a "keep us informed."

What?

But still, I held out hope that this could serve as some sort of bargaining chip. Eventually, they would have to give in. I could stay in my easy world and still get what I wanted. I had an interview arranged, and I went to it this afternoon. They offered me the job.

I didn't accept it, not right away.

Instead, I went home and cried. I was finally at a crossroads. I absolutely, positively DID NOT want to leave my branch. I've spent three years there. The customers know me. They ask about me and my baby. They sent me cute presents for him. I know their names and their stories. I also have friends in my other coworkers there. I have inside jokes with them. I take their family's pictures. I empathize with them, and they listen to me. They indulge my disorganization and forgetfulness. They let me vent when something bugs me. I don't want to leave, even if it means working a few extra hours a week.

After my interview I came home and held my baby. He'd been a little bit fussy while I was gone, and so I rocked and fed him, then he fell asleep curled up against my chest, his face snuggled into the crook of my neck. I started to wish to myself that I didn't have to go back to work at all. He needs me.

And thats when I realized--I do have to go back, there is no getting around that. But I need to get over myself. I can't have it my way. If by giving up my comfortable spot, planted firmly in the middle of the river, I can give myself an extra seven hours a week with my baby, I have to do it. I'll miss my friends at Syracuse, but I'm doing this for Jamison.

So I accepted the position. Yep, its the same company. Yep, I'll be doing the same thing day in and day out...but it was still a very hard decision to make. Because I don't like change. I like easy.

But I'm a mom now.

Bundle of Joy

Great-Grandma and Grandpa Smith bought Jamison this little outfit, its like a fleece blanket with arms, legs and a hat. Mommy loves it!

We went to the doctor yesterday bundled up for the snowy weather.

Jamison loves the doctor. Poor guy had to get some shots.

My sentiments exactly, little soldier.

It was his 2 month checkup. No surprise here: He is 13.9 lbs and 24 inches. 90th percentile for both.

Breakthrough!

Today I was able to wear my pre-pregnancy jeans for the first time! They are two sizes smaller than the jeans I bought the week after Jamison was born. Of course they were loose before and now they are still pretty tight, but I don't care. Yay for me!

2 steps forward, 1 step back

So, my life has gotten a little simpler since Jamison's sleep patterns have begun to be more synchronized with mine (i.e. he is learning that night is for sleeping.) In fact, some of my favorite times with him are when he first wakes up in the morning and nurses cuddled up to me on my bed. He is such a good baby when he is well rested, even smiling at me when I first pick him up. I have begun to see hope on the horizon! He now goes to bed pretty consistently between 9 and 10, wakes up at 1:30-2:30 and 4:00-5:00 and goes back to sleep so well after he is full again. But Sunday morning at 3:30, he would NOT go back to sleep. I can't go to sleep to his crying, so I stayed awake staring at the dark ceiling in my room. I tried for an hour to let him just cry, because I knew very well that he was well fed and had a clean diaper and that more than likely he was just wanting my company. In the incredible book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, it says that to give in to your child's desire to socialize will just rob him of the sleep he needs and make the problem worse. I tried to console him after so long, and after another hour I tried to feed him again. Finally at 5:30 am I took him downstairs so that I could at least be entertained for a while by watching some tv, and he fell asleep in my arms. But when I took him upstairs and laid him down it wasn't more than 5 minutes before he was awake and crying again. Finally at 7:30 he went to sleep, but we have 9:00 church, so I figured any more sleep was out for me and decided to take a bath to relax some of my very taught nerves.

I got a little too relaxed in the tub and fell asleep, waking up incredibly pruney in cold water at 9, when we were supposed to be going to church. (I know, that's bad.) At that point I said "forget it" and woke up Keaton, handed him the baby (who was awake again) and said "I'm sleeping. He is yours." Keaton, thankfully, took him and let me sleep from 10 until 2 in the afternoon. So, no church for us, but mommy at least got to recover some of the sleep she lost during the night.

We haven't ha another incident like that since, but everytime I wake up with him in the night I worry if he's going to go back to sleep or keep me up like that again. And with my return to work only around the corner, I worry even more.

I guess it isn't unusual for a baby to have an episode like that, and we're just lucky it isn't an everyday thing. He is becoming such an individual at only 2 months, and I can see his personality a little more every day. For the most part, he is an observer, he likes to be carried around facing out so he can see everything. He is reserved, his smiles sweet and calm. I know it'll be hard to leave him but we're just doing what we have to do and playing it by ear.

And even though sometimes it feels like we're taking 2 steps forward and 1 step back, that still leaves us 1 step further ahead than we were before because with every incident like what happened on Sunday, we're learning. And that is something!

Heaven Sent

This is my little man, he was so cute today and the camera was nearby...what can I say? I'm an addict.

He Speaks!

Conversations with my two month old.

Sorry the quality is so bad, I took them with my cell phone this morning at like six, and it was still dark.

Today

Carolanne mentioned on her blog that while she takes a shower she lets William play on the floor outside the bathroom so she can keep an eye on him. I thought this was a great idea so I tried it myself this morning. It was only a quick shower, but as you can see, he was in no mood to play. The light from the bathroom was so pretty and clean I had to get a shot. I spent the next forty five minutes or so stepping over him, he was taking up the whole hall and I couldn't bear to move him and wake him up!


Later on...

Chillin' with Dad. Our baby is getting into World of Warcraft early.

8 years

Eight years ago today I got my very first kiss.

I had spent the day hanging out with my friends, but more importantly with this particular guy upon whom I'd been harboring a huge crush. We'd been on one date in early October, which was awesome, but after that he'd kind of gotten back together with a previous girlfriend. But eight years ago today, it was looking like that was over and I was doing my best to squeak back into his line of sight.

We spent most of the day at the mall, it happened to be the "teacher protest day" and we unofficially had the day off of school. We flirted outrageously, and I remember feeling so cute in jeans and this purple t-shirt.

At the end of the day, he drove me home and I let him listen to my favorite song (at the time it was Neve, "It's over now." Check it out if you've never heard it before.) and then I walked him to his car. As we were saying goodnight he leaned over and kissed me. Really kissed me--maybe more of a kiss than I was ready for, but still good. :)

Here it is, eight years later, and he took me out again. We just went out to eat and talked. When he took me home I got a little bit better than a plain old kiss (blushes) and then I tucked our sweet baby in to his crib. When we say goodnight tonight, we won't have to leave each other. I'll get to fall asleep with him right next to me.

I love my sweetheart. Happy Eight Year First Kiss Anniversary, Keaton. You are my life.

Holiday

Since I've been off on Maternity leave I've been doing my best to get as many family picture sessions as possible to offset the month I'm going without pay. Sometimes I bite off more than I can chew! In one week I've taken pictures for six families! It was a little hectic but I think they went great, and I'm still hoping for one or two more in December. The downside is that this all took place as we were gearing up for Thanksgiving... and then I got sick, on top of everything else. Still, at least I know now that I can juggle this kind of photo volume (this usually never happens, all of them at once) and still take care of my baby. It might get a little more difficult in a month when I go back to my regular job, but it is nice to know that when it becomes possible for me to quit Wells Fargo I'll be able to handle the full time photog thing. Someday...

In the meantime, I forced Logan to take a few shots of my little family today, then I took them home and diced them up and edited them to my satisfaction. (How is it fair I take pictures of everyone else and never get a decent picture of my family?) I was going to use a timer and a tripod, but it was easier directing a human to click the button. :)

Self-Portrait

The other day I was fiddling around with my camera while the baby was napping, trying to find some cool new settings to try out with the family portrait sessions I have coming up. In need of something to focus on, I decided to put the camera on timer and jumped in front of the lens myself. But when I got a good look at the pictures, I felt shock. Photographically, they weren't that bad, but who was that person in the picture?
That
Was
Not
Me.
I know that I don't look like the 115 lbs I weighed in high school...and having a baby recently certainly didn't help, but it wasn't just that. I look tired, pallid, overweight, with unkempt hair and bloodshot eyes. Funny that I hadn't noticed when I looked in the mirror, but in a picture...well, they do say 1000 words.

I found myself faced with a sudden identity crisis. It wasn't just that I didn't look like myself, I haven't felt like myself lately either. When your days become a marathon of feeding, changing, bathing, and soothing its hard to remember who you are beyond just the role you play. I mean, I'm a mom. But is that all? Is that moniker my entire self now?

Since that day I've been thinking a lot about it. I don't want to make being a mom seem one-dimensional or bad, but right now it calls mostly for operation, not introspection. I like to think of myself as a vibrant woman, sometimes silly, sometimes serious. I love smart humor, wit. I value deep, intellectual conversation. I am an artist; I love to create beautiful things, both visually and with words. I love people, I love character. I love long dialogues about love, life, everything... but does that matter when the only person around for most of the day to witness any of these characteristics in me is a 12 lb, 5 week old baby boy?

The answer: absolutely.

See, its easy to get lost in the day-in, day-out routine. But I am daily drawing on those traits that make me special to learn how to do more things, to become even better. I've found in the last few weeks that I am stronger than I ever realized, that I know how to be completely unselfish, to honestly and forthrightly put myself second...I never really knew I could before, because I never really had to before. And I'm not just smart, I'm capable. Sure, I wasn't prepared for everything that this whole "having a baby" thing entails, but I'm doing a good job. I really am. I was given these strengths and talents for a reason. I trust that as my baby grows, a vibrant/silly/serious/witty/artistic/people person is exactly the motherly concoction he'll need to start developing his own special personality sauce. And man. Who needs to publish a book or take a winning picture when you can create something as beautiful and miraculous as another human being?

I decided to try again at the self-portrait thing today. This time, I was much better rested and the light was better and heck, I've even lost a few pounds (which makes me feel great, even if you can't see it in the picture). I didn't even have to use photo shop on anything except to enhance the contrast.
And I remember.
I am beautiful.

Just for fun!

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Angels!

Who could resist?

A Midnight Conversation

Two nights ago, as I was groggily crawling back into bed after another feeding, this exchange took place between me and my sleeping husband.

Keaton: mumble mumble
Crystal: what?
Keaton: Together
Crystal: what's together?
Keaton: gather together
Crystal: What are we gathering together?
Keaton: To-geth-er.
Crystal: what? What is together?
Keaton: You know, me, you, Logan, Brian. (I don't even know which Brian he's talking about)
Crystal: What are we gathering together?
Keaton: Stats, like bonus points.
Crystal: What?
Keaton: Oh, for cryin'.
Crystal: Keaton, you're talking in your sleep.
Keaton: No I'm not.
Crystal: It's four thirty in the morning.
Keaton: I've been in bed since two!
Crystal: I know... you're talking in your sleep.
Keaton: mumble mumble (he's out again.)

I was totally laughing in the dead middle of the night. I love having a sleep-talking husband!

Four Weeks

In honor of my baby's four week milestone, I wanted to share a few things I've learned about motherhood.

1. Sleep is a nicety, not a necessity.

2. There are a lot of things that can be done one-handed. For example, eating, folding laundry, blogging. And if it can't be done one-handed...well, I just don't do it. Problem solved.

3. Duncan is a dog again. It wasn't long ago we thought of our mini schnauzer as our "baby." And though we still love him, he is back to being just a dog.


4. Whoever came up with the term "sleeping like a baby" probably didn't have a baby. In truth a napping baby is both precious and perilous...its a beautiful thing, but often ill-timed and short-lived.5. What goes in the baby is not what comes out of the baby. I've seen what this little guy eats... it doesn't look anything like what he poops. Baby magic?
6. Tackling the most disgusting, messy diaper disaster is preferable to seeing your baby unhappy. Otherwise he would never get changed.
7. A girl who could have slept through a hurricane can become a mother who will startle awake at the barest whisper of a baby sigh from a room over.
8. Anything can be used as a burp rag. A blanket, a tablecloth, your own sleeve. Clothes covered in spit-up should be worn with pride--they indicate that you are a mom.
9. Nothing is sexier than a daddy cuddling with his baby.

Nothing.

10. Any day where the house is still standing and mom, dad and baby are all alive and well is a good day.

I love this little guy.

More pictures on envisionimage.blogspot.com

Sunday Morning

my beautiful boys

A Shameless Plug

I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm doing a family photo blitz this month, so tell everyone you know! Get a $10 discount on the regular family shoot price AND free Christmas Cards! I have fliers and business cards for anyone who is interested. Here are a few samples of the Christmas Cards I've done so far for this season, but I can whip one up to whatever specifications are needed. And remember, all proceeds go to the "support Crystal while she's on unpaid maternity leave in December" fund. And if you already have a family picture you want on a Christmas Card (provided you have the copyright) you can purchase (or have me design) 25 of these 4x8 designs w/ envelopes for $20.


Thanks everybody!